i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
