I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
