did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize