Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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