His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize