My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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