my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
