You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
