I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
