I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
