I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
is that a dick in a sweater?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
