no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize