2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
