Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
