I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
