dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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