Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
