Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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