Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize