I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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