Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
