I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize