When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Randomize
