And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
