i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
