ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Randomize
