I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
