Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I love you. Go after that dick
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