i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
she peed on how many people?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
