There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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