I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize