so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
