you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
