that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
