He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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