these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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