His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
