My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
