it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
