OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
