apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
