I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
