My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
