I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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