Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
