Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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