i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
