I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
