I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
my liver is dry heaving
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
