if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
