Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize