I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
