My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
We have so much sex to catch up on
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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