He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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