Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
