she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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