Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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