Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
