Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize