Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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