She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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