his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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