did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
