Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Let's get the cat blown out
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
