TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Randomize